{"id":13446,"date":"2026-05-28T05:32:00","date_gmt":"2026-05-27T17:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/?p=13446"},"modified":"2026-05-27T15:46:27","modified_gmt":"2026-05-27T03:46:27","slug":"the-harm-we-were-never-taught-to-see","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/?p=13446","title":{"rendered":"The harm we were never taught to see"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Taneise Perry<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the most sobering realizations I\u2019ve had in recent years is this: It\u2019s possible for someone to cause deep, ongoing harm and still be seen as a strong, faithful Christian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That realization didn\u2019t come from theory. It came from experience. After more than 20 years in a close friendship, I began to recognize patterns I had never been taught to see: manipulation, confusion and a slow erosion of my sense of reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What unsettled me most wasn\u2019t just the behavior itself. It was how easily that same person could use church spaces, relationships and language to uphold a completely different image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Growing up in the Church of Christ, I heard a lot about false teachers. We were taught to measure everything against Scripture and be careful about doctrines that didn\u2019t align with God\u2019s Word. That emphasis mattered. It protected many of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there was another kind of danger I was never taught to recognize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one ever taught us how to identify harmful relational patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, the word narcissism is everywhere. It\u2019s often overused and misused, and the Bible doesn\u2019t use the term at all. But Scripture clearly describes the behaviors. In 2 Timothy 3:1\u20135<\/a>, Paul warns about people who are \u201clovers of self,\u201d abusive and yet maintain \u201ca form of godliness.\u201d Jesus cautions about \u201cwolves in sheep\u2019s clothing\u201d (Matthew 7:15<\/a>). And in 3 John<\/a>, the elder calls out Diotrephes for loving prominence and using his position to push others aside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The language may be modern.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The patterns are not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I\u2019ve come to understand is that many Christians simply haven\u2019t been equipped to recognize these patterns. We\u2019ve been taught to watch doctrine closely but not always to \u201ctest the spirits\u201d (1 John 4:1<\/a>) or examine fruit in the context of everyday relationships. We know what truth sounds like. We don\u2019t always know what manipulation feels like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Church environments can unintentionally make this harder. We\u2019re taught to see the best in people. We\u2019re taught to forgive quickly. We often avoid conflict. And we elevate and celebrate those who appear spiritually mature. These are good and necessary parts of our faith. But without discernment and accountability, they can also provide cover for someone who is highly invested in maintaining an image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cWe know what truth sounds like. We don\u2019t always know what manipulation feels like.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In some cases, that image becomes a shield.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the more damaging dynamics that can emerge is what\u2019s often called a smear campaign, where a person subtly or overtly discredits someone else to protect their own reputation. Because the individual has carefully built trust, credibility and spiritual standing, their version of events is often believed without question. Meanwhile, the person on the receiving end may find themselves isolated, misunderstood or even abandoned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I once read a comment from a woman who described her husband as \u201cshape-shifting\u201d the moment he stepped into the church parking lot, becoming gentle, kind and respected in public while being something very different at home. That kind of contrast can make it incredibly difficult for truth to surface.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be clear, not every difficult person is a narcissist. And the goal isn\u2019t to label people or act as clinicians. You don\u2019t need a diagnosis to recognize when a relationship consistently produces confusion, fear, manipulation or emotional harm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The label isn\u2019t the point. The pattern is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scripture calls believers to be both loving and discerning. Paying attention to patterns, especially when behavior consistently contradicts a person\u2019s public image, is part of that discernment. It allows us to care well for ourselves and others and to avoid enabling harm in the name of grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cThe \u2018fruit\u2019 Jesus speaks about isn\u2019t just what people say. It\u2019s what consistently shows up in their actions, especially in private.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Every year somewhere in the world we have a Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is simply an encouragement to learn. Seek understanding about unhealthy relational dynamics. Talk with your children about manipulation and emotional harm in age-appropriate ways. Help them understand that the \u201cfruit\u201d Jesus speaks about isn\u2019t just what people say. It\u2019s what consistently shows up in their actions, especially in private.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many of us, this kind of awareness was never part of our spiritual training. But it can be now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sometimes, that awareness is what protects our minds, our faith and our sense of self from harm we were never taught to see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About The Author: TANEISE PERRY,\u00a0<\/strong>a Christian who lives in the Charlotte, N.C., area, serves on The Christian Chronicle\u2019s board of trustees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Taneise Perry One of the most sobering realizations I\u2019ve had in recent years is this: It\u2019s possible for someone to cause deep, ongoing harm and still be seen as a strong, faithful Christian. That realization didn\u2019t come from theory. It came from experience. After more than 20 years in a close friendship, I began<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13448,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[40],"tags":[119,110,200,444],"coauthors":[976],"class_list":{"0":"post-13446","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-faith","8":"tag-bible","9":"tag-christianity","10":"tag-god","11":"tag-mental-health"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/Taneuise.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13446","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13446"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13446\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13449,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13446\/revisions\/13449"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/13448"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13446"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cvnznews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcoauthors&post=13446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}